I'm 24 years old and I've been traveling around Europe for the past 10 months. Recently I've had some pretty traumatic sexual experiences and I guess I'm not sure how to wrap my head around them.
In January a friend (boy toy) came to visit me from Berlin while I was in Mallorca. The morning he left I fell back asleep and woke up to the feeling of a dick pressing itself into me from behind me. I was clothed so it didn't fully penetrate, but I was still half asleep and as I regained more consciousness I realized that my boy toy had left and this was not him. I opened my eyes, nobody was there and I could not move any part of my body. I could feel pressed hands on my chest making it's way up to my neck and fingers massaging my shoulders. After a few moments of trying to wrap my mind around what was happening, I finally got mad and said, "Who are you!?" And as soon as I did the energy began to back off and I could feel it peeling itself off of me and moving away. I couldn't sleep for weeks without being scared I was going to invite it back somehow. I guess I'm wondering what your take on incubus' are? Some say they are demons, and some say it's the person's own mind creating the experience. What is your opinion on this?Then, about a month later (three weeks ago), I left for Barcelona. Last week, I went out to a massive night club crammed with people at every inch. I was with friends, but then went to the bar to get a drink and met a guy who I really liked.
Instantly I felt like we were really good friends, I'd been traveling for 10 months and to be honest, I hadn't met anybody until him that I felt like I could completely be myself around. He lived in the town next to mine, quite a bit outside of Barcelona so we decided to hang out and he could take me home later. Long story short, I was already pretty drunk but I can take my alcohol well, we get back to his place with one other friend of his, we take one shot of jaeger and half a beer and I black out. Before I blacked out I remember coming onto him and him being a gentleman about it and saying no. Then seconds later I can barely stand up straight and I remember going to his room. I vaguely remember my underwear coming off. And after I remember him doing his best to walk me to the street, setting me down at some random doorstep, and maybe telling me he will be right back. I regained consciousness at 8 or 9am sitting out on some random doorstep on a busy street in broad daylight, missing my underwear, and my phone, but had no bruises and it didn't feel like I had sex (maybe a small dick?). I've tried to rationalize the situation and think about every possibility. Did I regain consciousness and leave before he got back? Did I really just get that drunk? Did I invite this?
Barcelona is known for people crafting elaborate scenarios and manipulating you to steal your shit. Was this the same, but taken to the next level to satisfy someone's crazy sexual need? This guy got into my head, Dan. There were two things that should have gotten my attention that make me think that this was a con. One, he shared his drink with me at the club, maybe to gain my trust? Two, when we were leaving I told him I had to go tell my friend that I'm leaving and he didn't want me to. I thought it was because he didn't want to lose me, but looking back it was probably because he didn't want anyone to know where I was going. I've never felt to conned in my life, Dan.
No matter what way I think about it I still have no idea what happened, and I probably never will. How do I deal with this?
Guessing Hopelessly Over Sexual Trauma
In regards to whether or not you were treated to chest and neck massage by a horny incubus in Mallorca, GHOST, I'm gonna say... no, you weren't treated to chest and neck massage by a horny incubus in Mallorca.
Ghosts are one of those things adults make up, like Santa Claus and Mormonism or sapiosexuality. Make-believe can be fun, of course, and fantasies are for realizing. But we shouldn't make life choices based on star signs, moon cycles, or popes and other imaginary friends. My feelings aside, a lot of people are into incubuses: church people and Satanic cults and ghost-fighting YouTubers. (Like these lesbian ghost hunters on YouTube who help ghosts come out of the closet. Or this episode of Nathan For You, where a realtor confesses she was choked by an incubus in Switzerland.) Clearly, lots of people wish ghosts were real—because a world without ghosts is less interesting than a world with one—but I don't buy it. And neither does science:
The scientific explanation for the incubus attack is that the person experiences a state dissociation in which part of the mental apparatus comes to conscious awareness even as the rest of the brain is in the REM stage of sleep. The body remains paralyzed so as to prevent acting out the dream. The realization that it is not possible to move contributes significantly to the unpleasant and frightening quality of this event. In addition, a potential sexual aspect to the experience is provided by the physiology of REM sleep which causes erection in men and lubrication in women. Awakening from a frightening experience and subconsciously recognizing an erotic bodily feeling lends itself to seeing a connection between the experience, and the working of dark and evil forces.... It must be emphasized that for the person who has experienced an incubus or succubus attack, the rational, scientific explanation may lack the powerful emotional force of the demonic explanation. Even for trained scientists who have had these experiences, shaking the belief of having been visited by a malignant force is very difficult.
You were, however, taken advantage of in Barcelona by a real, live human being—or a piece of shit masquerading as a human being. You lost consciousness and woke up without your phone or panties, alone and dumped in a public space. You may never know exactly what happened that night after you blacked out, GHOST, but no "innocent" explanation can account for the what you do know/remember. I'm very sorry this was done to you—you didn't invite it, you didn't deserve it, and you should stop crafting rationalizations that get an asshole who at the very least stole your phone and abandoned you in a public place when you were unconscious.
People typically lean on friends and family after traumatic experiences, GHOST, but you're traveling and presumably cut off from the kind of IRL/face-to-face support you might need right now. Which means you're going to have to put effort into taking care of yourself. If you can, reach out to local friends or connect with other female travelers (Wanderful and Pink Pangea are good resources). If you haven't already, GHOST, I'd recommend reporting this experience to police. Additionally, your country's embassy may have programs to assist with rape and sexual assault cases that occur while abroad. And if you're back in the states and need to find support or resources, reach out to RAINN. You should also get a full STI screening as soon as possible.
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and—soon—lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!